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When NO is in your face.

When I grab onto something, an idea or a person I feel is suited for me, it’s hard to know when to let go, even if there is a big NO in my face.

Tenacity, perseverance, faith? Or is it stubbornness, blindness, and idealism?

The more the idea (or shall I say ideal) is in my head and heart, the harder I fall, and fall, and fall. I stubbornly hold onto a relationship. Even if it has become unravelled, I still want to hope it will resurrect itself in the near future.

It’s as if I am incredulously, ridiculously vested in this person. I can’t be wrong about it. It was so good, so wonderful.

Does this resonate with any of you??

Strange thing is, everyone is ready for you to move on. Someone told me that he is like driftwood. What? a solid substance that drifted into my life and now is washed out to sea?

It feels like the hope is gone. It has also washed out to sea. If I had been smarter, wiser, slower, then perhaps I would have seen and turned QUICKLY away so as not to feel, to love, to give. How do you turn from something that is so strong, so amazing?

And we all want a reason for our time, our heart being invested. We don’t want it to feel like a piece of driftwood, So then the platitudes roll in…

You need to take it slower

He was helped by you (He said so!)

He understands more about himself

He thinks you are wonderful- just doesn’t want to be involved 

You learned something from this relationship; it gives you a chance to grow 

Quoting Winnie-The-Pooh, “Oh BOTHER!”

Perhaps it might be easier to say to myself, “THIS IS A NO FOR YOU!”  Because I am so determined to believe I can outlast, out wait the circumstance, carry the person, or even…GASP! change who I am.

By the way, all of those reasons just listed are horrible reasons for me to hang on to someone who has clearly said No to an exquisite opportunity to love and be loved.

And perhaps for a lot of us (most of us?), it is more about the disappointment than it is about the person. I was vulnerable, open, giving and the door was slammed in my face.

So I hang on as a way to say, “No! this must be a bump in the road! I feel betrayed by my own feelings, my own intuition!”

Whether it is time, or enough sage advice from friends and counselors, I finally let go. It would be easy to start making a list of that person’s so called faults or flaws to make me feel justified in not being in relationship with him. But then wouldn’t that make my feelings of love and caring false?

NO! I have to trust God that there is a reason, a protective reason why it didn’t work out.

And this requires me to come back to myself and not ask “What did I do wrong?” but to ask “What did I do right?” And also what did I learn from this relationship that I want to carry over to the next one (and please, God-my last one?!)

The really great thing that I haven’t quite mastered is to flip the whole thing and instead of feeling bereft of love and of this person, I feel it was a great stepping stone to the next great thing! That I am almost home!

But along with disappointment comes the negative feelings of hopelessness. Because I thought he was the perfect companion for me!  This is where a deep faith, a deep trust has to rise up to the closed door, the bruised heart.

I believe in God-supremely and magnificently, He is real. He did make the world, whether slow-cooker evolution or microwave 7-day fast, I don’t care! There is a Divine Trinity. And there is free will. It’s a paradox for sure.

Which means, I  am both guided and I am leading. But trust in myself is like walking on those low balancing ropes. Until you practice a lot on these, you are going to fall more than stay alighted. We fall off the rope of life, relationships in dating, and we can’t give up. There is this line of trust in God’s goodness, in another human being who will be your perfect partner. And though I fall, hurt and bruised, I have such a desire for a passionate, solid, and profound relationship, that I brush myself off, accept the big NO! and get back on.

One of my new favorite verses in the Bible is in Psalm 118:8-9. It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in men. It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in princes. 

It’s not saying we cannot trust anyone. It is saying to take refuge in something that is beyond the human, something solid and reliable and most of all the supreme LOVE!

But this is harder than walking that tight-rope! It means trusting in what I cannot see- the future, the person who I may meet next. When can I let go and trust? It’s really about that…trusting. I believe trust goes hand in hand with hope.

I sometimes have to go the distance a bit to see the futility in my false hope in another. Here’s the thing- we cannot make someone love us. We cannot carry them and alleave their fears. We cannot help the blinded heart to see what is in front of them. We just have to continue forward until we find a person who is open, courageous in finding love, and sees me (or you) as the most exquisite gift and he would be a fool not to grab this opportunity!

My new favorite statement is “If it is right, you can’t get it wrong with the person you are meant to be with!”

So, I am dusting off my scraped hands and the kick in the butt, I received from this past relationship. (LM, I truly hope the best for you. I hope you will decide to be courageous, and to not be afraid of love, of an angel appearing in your life.)

My bruised heart is healing.  And I am wiser. No one gets this heart until they have earned the trust.

And now a prayer from Marianne Williamson’s Book Enchanted Love, The Mystical Power of Intimate Relationship:

 

Dear God

I have lost my Love.

I feel as though my heart is broken

and will never repair.

Please help me God

to get over this.

Reveal to me the truth 

and show me a Love 

that never dies. 

AMEN.

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