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2019-an Odd Year with Odd Surprises?

I have to be honest. I love December- the reason we celebrate it, the decorations! I love the lights everywhere! And I do not want to clean it all up and then welcome the new year. I want December to stay one more month! 

But here it is- 2019 is almost upon us. And 2019 just sounds weird coming off my tongue. I mean 2020 rocks! It sounds so futuristic. 2019? Meh! Sounds like an odd year- an awkward collection of numbers. Call me weird, but it feels that way. 

So since I am looking at 2019 as an odd year, perhaps the perspective should be odd surprises are coming! Odd can be really good! I usually lay out intentions for the new year. And one big one usually is around finding that person who I can love for life. 

I have spent the last 9-10 years trying to capture romantic love,  poring over relationship books, identifying my own unhealthy patterns and working with a counselor on bringing my own best self to a relationship. I have longed for companionship, friendship, fun and eventual a long term commitment.  I have been online on dating sites and tried the approach in many different ways. I have met many, many men. 

So during the holidays, I ate too much, had a birthday and solemnly looked at my dating/relationship situation.

Is it too late for me to find love? Am I trying too hard?

Is there something else God wants for my life? Am I just supposed to not engage?

Maybe it’s not about ‘looking’ anymore. Maybe it is about going deeper still into a trust and a belief that what ever each day gives me is a gift. It’s embarrassing to even talk about this with you my readers. But aren’t we all feeling this if we are longing for love?

And then Spotify chose this song for me from Nicole Nordeman- HUSH, HUSH.

it is a powerful song about being at the bottom of the sea, of not having the answers. So many times I have stepped into a relationship that I thought was fantastic, held great promise and potential. Haven’t we all been there?And sometimes at the end of it,  the result is, it feels as if I have been in a storm, tossed back and forth and then thrown on shore to an island of aloneness. 

  And this song took me to the bottom of my efforts. I am not sure what the answer is. I just know that I have to wait and go deep into trusting something outside my efforts. People say when you stop trying it comes to you. I am not of that camp. I say, opportunity walks by and you better grab it. But which is it? I just know that another meeting with another stranger has none of the glimmer or hope or feelings of excitement. I have misjudged, jumped in too soon, not asked enough questions, painted the person as something they are not, and most of all gave up something of myself in the process that took painful steps to regain.

I don’t have the answers and I don’t have to have the answers. At least this song says this and yes, I am beginning to believe this. 

This is where your ship went down
Right there, stern and bow
You took on waves, took on water
You took the blame, even harder
You drug a net across the ocean floor
Beer bottles and a broken oar
You washed on shore beneath the moon

And I'm not sure you want me to
But I'll put you back together
Hush, hush
You don't have to have the answers
Hush, hush

I will gather all the branches
I will light a fire for you
Rest your head 'til you've had rest enough
Hush, now hush
Hush, hush

It's worse in the light of day
It hurts the things they say
You wrote big letters in the sand
You watch the sky and wave your hands
But I love you if they never come
I love you in the scorching sun

One cup of water at a time
'Til you remember you are mine
And I will love you back together
Hush, hush
You don't have to have the answers

Hush, hush
I will gather all the branches
I will light a fire for you
Rest your head 'til you've had rest enough
Hush, now hush
Hush, hush

One cup of water at a time
'Til you remember you are mine
I am the calm, I am the sea
Your rescue and recovery
And I am the storm that swallowed you

I let you bleed, I thought you knew
And I am the bottom, and I am the floor
I am the deep you never knew before
I let you sink and I let you go

But I caught you in the undertow
And I am the shore, and I am the flame

And mercy is My name

Hush, hush

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