Making It Real, Relationships and Love

Don’t date me if you aren’t available

I never knew I would have to put this on my dating profile. Swipe left if you aren’t over your last relationship because I only want to meet men who are ready for a real relationship!

Who in their bloody mind thinks that dating after being with someone for awhile is a good idea? Your mind is still reeling from not being with her. You still have fantasies about her body or touch.

Then you meet me and with your foot half way in, half way out, you begin pursuing me!

Or you have taken some time off from dating someone and just as you feel a real wow about me, you get pulled back into the undercurrent of your last relationship who wants to go again.

I’m a pretty open, understanding person, but holy cow! the last three men I have been really interested in, truly thought there was something of real value aren’t really in the same room with me!

They haven’t cleared out the cobwebs and thoughts and desires they still have for HER. How can there be room for me? How can I compete (and frankly don’t want to compete). Think about what you learned when you were with this person? The issues they have are reflected in the last person they dated.

Listen this dating thing is HARD. It feels most of the time like a crapshoot. You swipe past a thousand mugs and find a few in the batch that look like they might be worthy of a first date. Then you text for a bit, have a phone call or zoom, and then perhaps after you do all this, you meet.

Back to the issue at hand: You have to be accountable. You have to look at the root of why you choose (again and again) the same person. What patterns and bad habits do you keep repeating?

So pay attention to his last relationship. Was it off and on again? Were they living together for a long time? Consider this like a marriage that takes the same time for two people to disentangle from. Did his last relationship end because she really didn’t put much attention to the relationship? Or does she waver and think something else is out there that’s better?

We choose and pick. The result of the behavior of the person they choose is a reflection of what they feel for themselves.

Take for example: If you date unavailable men. No, not married men. Men who think dating is calling you up every once in awhile or don’t text and communicate with you regularly. These people aren’t available. They have intimacy issues and usually pick ambivalent partners because being really close may be a scary thing. Yet, they desire it.

And these people usually for some reason are attractive to a person who needs words of affirmation, who needs consistent contact and communication. Bad combo!

Let those guys or ladies who are afraid to get close continue to date the cold, distant woman or man. It’s their way of rejecting their own desires and needs for true intimacy.

You be accountable for your own happiness, your sense of worth.

Ask that new guy about his last relationship. You will find everything you need to know about him, about who and why he chooses a certain type of woman. Pay attention! You can know who he is by the company he keeps.

This is not a judgement. This is observation and awareness. You need to be aware of what you choose and why, and begin to change that pattern.

I no longer date men who aren’t communicative with me. If I have a date with him and it goes well, I expect to hear from him the next day. Why? because I am a relational person, a one on one gal who wants to feel connected. I’m not needy. I am relational. Other women might not want this. They might be okay with just putting a date on a calendar and not communicating to him until then.

Warning: Don’t do one thing on that first date that is intimate. He may like you, but if you end up on his couch half dressed, it is not because he is planning on calling you the next day. He just isn’t.

But for me, an aloof guy doesn’t work. I am warm, loving, encouraging and I need a reflection of this in my own life. I don’t need syrup sweet- no! When a man needs me to constantly affirm him, he is needy. But a happy medium of texting to see how I am, or a phone call at night, or a planned date. It tells me a lot; he is showing up, is interested.

We all want and need different things. It’s really knocked me about lately, dating men or entering into a promising place with someone only to be thrown into the mass confusion of their emotions. I feel quite bruised right now.

I am going to be more careful, ask more questions about the last relationship, and if they have just gone through a break up, I will probably not date them, or ask them to call me back in a few months when they really know what they want.

These days we are telling each other to be safe. I am furthering this tender saying by adding, “BE SAFE. LISTEN TO WHAT THEY ARE TELLING YOUR THROUGH THEIR LAST RELATIONSHIP!”

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