Breaking up is hard to do... for some people. For others? not so hard. Those people do it with what seems like no conscious, no feelings. "Hi,_______. No, I am not coming over. I am breaking up with you." Ohhhh- heartbreak, shatter, crush, obliterate.
I'm one of those who hates the whole process. I want to protect my heart and the other person's heart. I want to ease it all away some how. Make it okay. When you have someone that wants to slice you off like a hot knife through butter, not wanting anymore contact or any more ways to ease the departure. Look out. That hurts mightily. There is a song I really like which describes this- how could you love me and then be so mean? We all prepare for our dates, our romances and possible life-long partners. This blog is not about that.
I'm going to give you some things you need to prepare for a breakup you might not see coming.
Let's get on with the steps!
Number one thing: 1. Take back your power if you were not the person to choose this decision, it means you need to feel in control of something . One of the worst things about a break up is there is no negotiation or choosing. One person does this for both people (So not right!) And if he or she has thrown you and the relationship down, like throwing trash into the dustbin, it's important to recover yourself, your power.
I remember a guy,years ago, who was just rude. He lived out of state but had to come see me. I should have prepared myself better for a negative outcome. But I was as excited as he was. He came, kissed me, and them promptly told me he didn't feel it with me. Which is fine but his build up had been so big up until then (as well as the inital kissing). In the process he left his shirt at my place. I should have thrown it away, but nooo! I'm too nice. I actually gave it to him months later. I wish I hadn't. He wasn't expecting me to give it to him with his behavior. So why would I not choose taking better care of myself than his stupid shirt? Today I do take better care of me. I control those encounters and protect myself.
It's not about saving your dignity as much as it is about feeling like you have a choice in your life. So don't make it hard for the other person, but don't make it easy. Take back your choices in any way that feels right, so you can feel protective of your feelings and heart. If that choice is something as simple as deleting text messages or getting rid of a present, do it for you.
2. Be good to yourself This is the time when you may feel very vulnerable. If there is a day where you need to sit on the couch and veg or talk to friends or go out, do it. Honor yourself and the precious feelings and time you had with this person. Honor your hurt, your disappointment, your anger, or your sadness. A note of caution: We sometimes think we are taking control again by sending long emails and texts telling the person how great we are or how bad they are. Don't do this. Just don't. Keep this to yourself or cry on a good friend's shoulder. You are trying to convince the other person of why it was a mistake, or why you miss them. It's so hard, and it hurts so much, this pain you feel (if you are a feeler and a human). It's okay. You did nothing wrong. And if you did, ask for forgiveness from the person and for yourself.
3. Think of it as riding the wave This is the time to talk to a counselor if you need to. This is the time to just ask friends to help shore you up a bit. Just don't take advantage of their goodness and go on and on about him/her or your pain. They aren't you. They can't feel the things you have to feel. Don't drag them there. Please. Writing can be very helpful ( just don’t send it to your ex- this is for your eyes only) You can write why it wasn't really working for you. How he and you maybe weren't a good fit. Write it all out. It all feels good and it is a way to bring back your power, your sense of who You really are. You might like to sing it out. Yell it out. Work it out. Ride the wave of your feelings and eventually, just like a large wave in the sea finally settles onto the shore, it will dissipate to nothing .
4. Cut the cord of connection There are some great meditations out there called cutting the cord. It is an excercise where you imagine you have a connection (call it emotional, psychic, what ever, you know it's there!) to this other person. You imagine cutting this cord of connection, letting them go and wishing them well. Letting go and wishing them well is hard, but keep doing it. It works. Cutting the cord of connection comes in other steps as well. You may need to hide, pack up or give away anything that reminds you of this other person. Just for awhile. If it's a possession you really like or is of some value, keep it. Once you have shed all of the memory mojo off of an item, you can go back to it and just appreciate it for what it is. Or you may decide to give it away or better yet, sell it! Here's the reason you don't want something hanging around- to trigger any emotion. You are healing, recovering and bring your own preciousness back to you.
5. Choose to set your mind toward the future Time will help you release the hurt or angry feelings. But part of this does depend on you. You have to choose for yourself the right feelings. We think we are not in control of our feelings, but we are. After pining, crying or lamenting, you do have to get up, take control and choose better outcomes for yourself. It may be that you build up your confidence by an activity or working out. The more you continue to stop thinking or going over the things you think you could have changed, or replayed the times you had such a blast with this person, the better. Begin to see how much better the next choice you make is going to be. How much more aware you will be of what you want and don't want. This allows you to get specific!
6. Get Specific Some time has passed. You don't feel as lonely. You don't think about him or her so much. You are healing and see what really didn't work for you in this past relationship. You accept the reasons why it wouldn't work for you (who cares about the other guy!) Now you can without emotion but with honesty, list the things that really do work for you. Be specific in what you believe works for you. I don't mean a list of their physical attributes, though I don't discourage you from this. Be specific for what you really need. Here's part of mine:
He is solid. I can trust he will be there for me. He is truly interested in me. He cares and wants to know, asks questions about what I am passionate about. He has a generous heart.
Now that may not seem like much of a list, but these are the things I know make me feel valued and safe with a man. Now when I meet the next man, I will pay attention to if he spends heaps of time monopolizing the conversation about himself or never really asks me how I feel about something. I won't have to wait long. I can use my core values as the test for whether I want to hang out with this dude more than a few dates.
7. Get back out there Too many times we just don't want to put ourself back out there. We may not want to go on another dating app for the rest of our lives. And that's understandable. The important thing is to get out and mingle, take up a class or hobby, just circulate again. Don't stay indoors for too long with a half a bottle of wine and a movie as your companion. Kick the tires. Take a trip. Keep your heart open and wide while gaurding for anyone who is thief of your time and 💜 !