Are you ready to learn how to find real love and a real relationship?
Are you willing to actually do something that seems contradictory to what looking for real love means?
What if you are in that 50+ range where the men seem to be lightly scattered in number in a group setting, or worse not even there? (They are out there but not socializing at the level women are. Instead they are at home on their couches, alone and plugged into the football game.)
What if like me, you are scared you won’t be able to find or attract a mate in the later years?
We are in the post-modern world of doing, accomplishing, task-oriented beings. We have instructions, apps, groups, and online connections that allow us to be anywhere and do just about anything.
So when I am told to surrender and do nothing in regard to finding a mate, my heart does a lurch. It shrinks back and says, “No! I Do nothing? Why I’ll be like the rest of the women who have given up on men, letting their hair grow gray and their bodies sag!”
I have a secret to tell you: Doing is not the way to having.
My friend and co-collaborater Psychiatrist Kerbey Stewart says that in stage one of relationship-seeking, we are recapitualting our needs that we have as an infant/toddlers with our mothers/fathers. We are seeking an aspect of ourselves that was not met. In other words we seek the attachment style that is most familiar to us and also most destructive to us.
I’ll use me as an example: I used to fall for men who have an avoidant style attachment approach. Why? Because it is the need to recreate the avoidant father who never engaged with me. I am trying to gain approval through the avoidant style man because what greater victory would it be to win over someone who appears to push and pull with your heart? How really loved would I feel if the man who gives me mixed signals and cringes in his own fear of intimacy when I get too close to him, all of the sudden could get close, could give me approval and consistent love? What a triumph!
Mary Hoffman, the other woman co-collaborating with Kerbey and I on the Tango Book Project has a practice called Work of the Soul (www.theworkofthesoul.com). I have been involved with Mary for over four years, as she has been an inner guide in the work of my own self-journey.
Mary has been leading me back to the child who was ignored by her father but not in an attempt to figure out why. She instead is helping me experience the truth, and then as I like to call it, re-parenting myself. We find the trigger that is so painful and has it orginating start in my childhood, but then for the first time, she and I are speaking to that hurt (that inner child of the past), nuturing, supporting and asking what that child of the past needs in order to feel safe, to feel loved.
She along with Kerbey keep driving home the fact that until we all find the point of self-discovery, self-healing, self-parenting, we are simply going in circles with the same types of people in relationship and getting the same results.
Mary says it is the stick figure of a man with a different face and name (which in my case is a lot of names and faces!).
So between Mary and Kerbey, I am proposing that we join forces and work on the Tango Project, a book that hasn’t been written about the self and relationships.
Which brings me back to doing nothing. I am at the stage one of transformation. I have gone online to dating sites and dated over 100 men in the last three years. I have sought out a relationship love therapist to help me navigate the waters of the dating world. I have written, journeled, cried, scratched my head, and blamed myself too often for the unsuccessful outcome of a relationship.
Now, I am ready to do nothing. This does not mean that I hole up in my apartment and watch netflix to the cows come home. It means I get busy with my life in the most vibrant, exciting, and big way I desire. I live and experience it all without the idea or need to have a man be a part of it. I am not covering up or denying the desire for a man, for a life-partner. I am getting in the canoe and paddling downstream in my life. Along the way, a man will show up that wants to join me, but this is not the end result. It is a desire of mine, so I believe it will come. First though, I have to be involved in my own life, my own bucket list of desires, dreams and projects.
This is the scary part for me. As a doer, I am scared that I am giving up my dream. Recently, I saw the film Gravity starring Sandra Bullock and George Clooney. This movie is spectacular in the landscape it is filmed against- Space. It is really a simple story though. A woman who has given up on life, who is using her career, her work ,to just walk through her life.
She is forced to struggle for her life in Space after a fallout of debris from a Russian satelitte destroys the Voyager Shuttle along with the crew. At one point in the movie, she finally surrenders to what looks like inescapable death. She believes that there are no more solutions to her death. It is when she surrenders that the solution appears which eventually saves her life.
I tell myself today: “Take a deep breath. Let it go slowly. Surrender. All the solutions are in the surrender. When I surrender, the answers will come.”